City Steals Spruce, Tells Resident to Deal With it

Clam photo by Margo McBeth: Homeowner Joe Martin looks on helplessly as parks a forestry staff member Sally Stillman chops away at spruce tree in Martin's yard Dec. 2. The tree was used for the Upper Arlington tree lighting ceremony Dec. 6.

By: FERDINAND MONTGOMERY

UPPER ARLINGTON – Joe Martin had no idea what he was getting into when he took a day off work Dec. 2.

Martin said at first he had “not the slightest clue what was going on” when, half way through his bowl of Quaker Oatmeal he looked out his kitchen window and saw a city parks and forestry crew using a handsaw to work their way through a 14 foot Colorado Spruce in his back yard.

“It really took me a minute to realize what was going on,” said Martin.

Martin said he then went out onto his patio where he asked the man closest to him what the crew was doing.

“They said they were going to take my tree for the city holiday tree lighting ceremony,” said Martin. “They said I should feel honored and go back inside the house.”

Martin said that before he could object, Parks and Forestry Superintendent Mark McCormick came around the side of the house and spoke to him.

“(McCormick) acted like I’d won the damn lottery or something,” said Martin. “But I really liked that tree.”

McCormick said things happened slightly differently, that Martin was irate and “extremely hard to deal with”.

“Every year we nominate a tree,” said McCormick, adding that the tradition began in Upper Arlington in the early 1950s. “And when we harvest the tree the residents usually aren’t home. They usually don’t mind.”

Every December city staff cruise the neighborhoods looking for a tree of “good quality” that must be at least 12 feet tall and and exceptionally green, said McCormick.

“He had a great tree,” said McCormick.

Martin said he felt he was simply being distracted by McCormick.

“By the time that asshole got done talking,” said Martin. “The crew was dragging my tree around the house.”

Martin said he is pretty sure a particularly large woman, the one he said had been doing the actual sawing, called him a “little bitch”.

“And then (McCormick) said there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about it,” said Martin.

McCormick said that part of the story was true.

“There wasn’t,” said McCormick. “Our job was to get a tree, once it’s down you might as well fire up the chest nuts and suck down some egg nog because it’s Christmas baby.”

Martin said he plans to go before City Council in January but that he is not sure what he can do.

“I mean, they got the damn tree,” said Martin. “I don’t even know (if I’ll go before council) or not.”

McCormick said he was not aware of anyone on his crew calling Martin a little bitch.

“He was just upset,” said McCormick. “But (Martin)  practically saved Christmas.

“He’ll be alright, it’s not like he’s Jewish or something.”

The Upper Arlington Holiday Tree Lighting Ceremony will be held in Thompson Park on Saturday, Dec. 6 at 6 p.m.

Woman Says Thing was Otter, not Groundhog

By: FERDINAND MONTGOMERY

WORTHINGTON – Debbie Marshall said she’d never seen anything like it.

Marshall, 84, said she has lived in Worthington her entire life. On Sunday, Nov. 16 Marshall said she saw something “long, sleek and black ” slip into the fish pond at Shadowy Gardens First Lutheran Elder Care Community where she makes her home.

“I have never, in my life, seen a thing that looked like that thing did,” said Marshall. “I didn’t even know we had otters in Ohio.”

Marshall said it took her a minute to realize what she was seeing.

“I’ve seen them before,” said Marshall. “I saw a special on them on WOSU once. That was an otter.”

Marshall said she was waiting for her ride to church when she saw the “otter” slip out from beyond the Shadowy Gardens sign on the side of the building. She said she then watched it as it made its way across the parking lot, the yard and into the fish pond where she then watched it swim around for ”a couple or three minutes” before it dove down and disappeared.

“I saw it,” said Marshall. ”It was an otter.”

Samuel Ridgeway, 67, drives a group from Shadowy Gardens to church every morning and was the first one on the scene after the sighting.

“I didn’t see it either,” said Ridgeway. “I saw once how those things will lay on their backs and use their front claws to eat a fish like a person would.”

The incident raised quite a commotion with the church group, said Harold Dormer, an employee at Shadowy Gardens.

“They were all out there at the pond looking into the water,” laughed Dormer. “I’ve never seen them late to church. Sunday, they might have been a little late.”

Not everyone in the church group was ready to take Marshall’s word for it.

Max Leeds, 81, is also a resident at Shadowy Gardens and he said he has never seen an otter in the area and that he doesn’t believe Marshall saw one either.

“(Marshall) wouldn’t know an otter if she found it sleeping on her t.v. tray,” said Leeds. “It was just some big groundhog or something.”

Ridgeway said the argument actually got pretty heated.

“(Marshall) wouldn’t even go eat with us,” said Ridgeway, adding that the group normally goes to Bill Knapps for lunch after church on Sundays. “She made us bring her back and she went to her room without even saying goodbye to anybody.”

“It was an otter,” said Marshall. “I saw it plain as day.”

Marshall said she plans to use the media center to print off pictures of an otter. She said she plans to distribute them through the building and intends to nominate the creature as the official Shadowy Gardens mascot.

“Groundhog,” said Marshall. “I seen a lot of ground hogs and that was an otter.”

Worthington Teen Misses Cut, Cuts Loose

By: FERDINAND MONTGOMERY

WORTHINGTON – The chirps and squeals of sneakers pivoting on the hardwood court filled the gym at Thomas Worthington High School as the boy’s varsity basketball team did defensive drills during a practice.

Jared Stover, however, isn’t in the court with his friends. In fact, he isn’t on the bench, or in the stands, or even at school at all.

“Fuck him, man,” said Stover about Gary Wilson, varsity boys basketball coach at Thomas Worthington.

Stover didn’t make the cut and, as a junior, he said the writing could be on the wall for scholastic sports career.

“I made it past first and second cuts,” said Stover. “And then I don’t even make JV? I’m better than at least three kids on the team, maybe four.”

Stover said he suspects the coach’s aversion to “playground ball” may have played too big a role in his decision.

“I don’t get it, you know?” said Stover. “It’s like he just doesn’t like me or something. My style is street ball, dude. Playground ball.”

As a sophomore Stover volunteered as a student trainer after he didn’t make the team.

“That was totally embarrassing, dude,” said Stover, who added that the experience made him feel like a “tool”. “I was like one of those retarded kids who tags along with the team.

“I was like fucking Radio or something.”

Wilson refused to comment for the story, but Kevin Ross, the team’s starting point guard, admitted he thought Stover had a shot.

“At JV,” said Ross. “Yeah, I thought Stover might make JV.”

Stover said he has no plans to volunteer with the team this time around. In fact, he said he plans to start focusing on other extra-curricular activities.

“Susan Foley’s parents are out of town this weekend,” said Stover, adding that Foley is expected to throw a huge party the same night as the opening game for the basketball team. “She’s so hot too, man.”

Stover said his plans, though he admitted he has yet to receive an official invite to the party, are to have a friend’s older brother buy him beer and that he was going to get “fucked up” at Foley’s party instead of attending the game.

“I have chemistry with her and we’ve talked a couple times,” said Stover. “We were lab partners once, so it should be cool.”

Long term, Stover said he doesn’t think his playing days are completely over.

“I might play some intramurals or something,” said Stover. “That doesn’t start for a few weeks and me and a couple guys were talking about getting stoned and playing.”

Stover added that, even intoxicated, he is confident the competition in intramurals won’t pose much of a challenge. 

“Championship,” said Stover. “Look, all I’m saying is, even high, we’ll ball on everybody, dude, everybody.”

Verizon to Expand to Markum’s Backyard

By: FERDINAND MONTGOMERY

UPPER ARLINGTON – Harry Markum will soon have all the convenience of a Verizon Wireless store right in his backyard.

In a surprise move at a Monday, Nov. 10 meeting Upper Arlington City Council President Dewey Johnson announced that he was going to rezone, by emergency vote, half of Markum’s backyard in order to install a Verizon kiosk.

“(Markum) has been instrumental in keeping unnecessary rezonings from taking over our community,” said Johnson. “Over and over and over again.”

Johnson proposed that City Council approve an emergency rezoning of .15 acres of Markum’s .4 acre backyard.

“I was thinking of the northwest corner,” said Johnson. “Near the shed.”

Markum, 53, who has been involved in a number of referendums by residents to stop rezoning in the city over the last five years, said the move was a surprise to him.

“What the fuck is going on?” said Markum, adding that he was pretty sure city council was not allowed to to have single-reading-spot-rezonings proposed and approved during the course of a single meeting.

Markum has been known to admonish city council in the press.

“Those greedy assholes have no idea what they are doing,” Markum previously told The Clam. “They’re just trying to rezone everything to line their own pockets.”

Johnson; however, said Markum’s past remarks had no bearing on his decision.

“Nah,” said Johnson. “My son has a part time job at Verizon and he was saying the other day that he wishes he could work closer to home.

“This is just about three blocks away.

“That’s pretty close.”

Johnson announced the proposed rezoning at approximately 8:15 p.m., shortly after the meeting reached the ‘other business’ portion of the agenda.

Council approved the proposal 4 – 3 at 8:20 p.m.

Terry Baker, 27, a district manager for Verizon Wireless stores in the northwest Columbus area, said the company is excited about another opportunity to expand.

“Having the opportunity to tap into a suburban market like that, in the heart of a suburb, you can’t beat that location,” said Baker.

Baker said he was surprised when he got a call from City of Upper Arlington Planning Officer Charlie Porter telling him of the rezoning, but added, “It’s pretty cool.”

Baker said he had no idea exactly when a kiosk could be installed, but that it could happen pretty fast.

“With the rezoning out of the way like that,” said Baker. “I think they can build those things in like a month.”

Baker said that construction could begin as early as December.

“That’s just a wild guess,” said Baker. “But it would be nice to get it open by Christmas.”

Markum said he was “fucking upset” about the decision.

“I’m going to fight this,” said Markum. “A referendum. I’m going to file a referendum. Tomorrow. Then I’m going to get (Johnson) kicked off council.”

Markum said he was “abso-fucking-lutely” positive this was personal.

“I’m going to kick his ass,” said Markum. “He doesn’t live far. I’m going to go sit in his front yard and when he pulls into the driveway I’m going to pull him out of his car and punch him in his face.”

The next Upper Arlington City Council meeting will be held Monday, Nov. 17 at 7 p.m. at City Hall.