OSU, Columbus plan bitchin’ summer spot in Hilliard

By: BERNERD CORRAL

HILLIARD–Opponents of a boathouse on the Sciotto River are about to get a big slap in the face.

At the Nov. 17 meeting of Columbus City Council, OSU officials announced their intent to expand plans for a boathouse on the est bank of the Sciotto River in Hilliard.

“We’re going to add a beach house, or mansion, you might call it,” said George Sanderson, OSU development director.

The location, which is currently parkland behind the Society Terce subdivision, does not have what amounts to a beach, but OSU officials to plan to let that stop them.

“We’re going to truck in 100 tons of sand and make outselves a beach,” Sanderson said. ”Then we’re going to build ourselves a 2,000-square-foot pimp pad. We’re gonna get all the ladies.”

When Ohio State University and the City of Columbus proposed the installation of a boat house last spring Hilliard residents were far from happy. Columbus City Council is unsure how they’ll take this latest news.

“It’s pretty ballsy,” said Councilwoman Kathy Krumer. “But it’s OSU. We can’t, as a legislative body, stand up to OSU. They could destroy this city with the shake of a leg.”

Residents argue the boathouse would be better suited on the east bank, where other boathouses now reside.

OSU will use the $6 million, 40,000-square-foot site for the OSU women’s varsity rowing team and Greater Columbus Rowing Association, and says the west bank is preferred for it’s looks.

“It’s just prettier over there, all that parkland. It’s perfect for our big ass boathouse,” said OSU rowing team coach Sam Schnieder.

Schneider did not know what to think of the beach house.

“I’m just here for the rowing, man,” he said.

Opposition from both residents of Hilliard and the City of Hilliard has been ongoing for months, but the city’s hands are tied.

“We can’t really do anything about it,” said Hilliard Mayor Denny Wood. “The City of Columbus is all powerful. It doesn’t matter if it is our land, this is OSU, and we’re all OSU’s bitches.”

When asked about the opposition, witnessed through protests and the organization of several official groups, including the Anti-Rowing League, and the Women Against Land Use Coalition, or WALUS, Sanderson said he didn’t see how OSU could ever make them happy anyway. 

“We figured the residents are already pissed off. They can’t possibly get more teed-off.”

Columbus City Council approved OSU’s new plans unanimously at Monday’s meeting. OSU expects to start construction in the spring.

Woman Says Thing was Otter, not Groundhog

By: FERDINAND MONTGOMERY

WORTHINGTON – Debbie Marshall said she’d never seen anything like it.

Marshall, 84, said she has lived in Worthington her entire life. On Sunday, Nov. 16 Marshall said she saw something “long, sleek and black ” slip into the fish pond at Shadowy Gardens First Lutheran Elder Care Community where she makes her home.

“I have never, in my life, seen a thing that looked like that thing did,” said Marshall. “I didn’t even know we had otters in Ohio.”

Marshall said it took her a minute to realize what she was seeing.

“I’ve seen them before,” said Marshall. “I saw a special on them on WOSU once. That was an otter.”

Marshall said she was waiting for her ride to church when she saw the “otter” slip out from beyond the Shadowy Gardens sign on the side of the building. She said she then watched it as it made its way across the parking lot, the yard and into the fish pond where she then watched it swim around for ”a couple or three minutes” before it dove down and disappeared.

“I saw it,” said Marshall. ”It was an otter.”

Samuel Ridgeway, 67, drives a group from Shadowy Gardens to church every morning and was the first one on the scene after the sighting.

“I didn’t see it either,” said Ridgeway. “I saw once how those things will lay on their backs and use their front claws to eat a fish like a person would.”

The incident raised quite a commotion with the church group, said Harold Dormer, an employee at Shadowy Gardens.

“They were all out there at the pond looking into the water,” laughed Dormer. “I’ve never seen them late to church. Sunday, they might have been a little late.”

Not everyone in the church group was ready to take Marshall’s word for it.

Max Leeds, 81, is also a resident at Shadowy Gardens and he said he has never seen an otter in the area and that he doesn’t believe Marshall saw one either.

“(Marshall) wouldn’t know an otter if she found it sleeping on her t.v. tray,” said Leeds. “It was just some big groundhog or something.”

Ridgeway said the argument actually got pretty heated.

“(Marshall) wouldn’t even go eat with us,” said Ridgeway, adding that the group normally goes to Bill Knapps for lunch after church on Sundays. “She made us bring her back and she went to her room without even saying goodbye to anybody.”

“It was an otter,” said Marshall. “I saw it plain as day.”

Marshall said she plans to use the media center to print off pictures of an otter. She said she plans to distribute them through the building and intends to nominate the creature as the official Shadowy Gardens mascot.

“Groundhog,” said Marshall. “I seen a lot of ground hogs and that was an otter.”

Doctor to bring perfect skin to Violet Township

By: BERNERD CORRAL

CANAL WINCHESTER — Bad skin beware. A new medical facility is preparing to go to emergency lengths to fight acne.

With the October groundbreaking, the completion of the Fairfield Medical Center, Mount Carmel joint emergency center in Violet Township is still almost a year away, but a second occupant is set to join.

The medical campus, designed to be a stand-alone emergency room with separate office buildings, will welcome the emergency facility of Dr. Brutta Pelle: dermatologist.

“Skin conditions affect all of us,” the Italian-born doctor said. “We all have skin. We can all be plagued by its maladies.”

GeofferyHolmes, communications coordinator with Fairfield Medical Center, said Pelle’s practice was welcomed onto the emergency campus so the facility could offer a wider variety of emergency care.

“Dr. Pelle will offer immediate care to those suffering from any variety of skin conditions,” Holmes said.

Holmes emphasized, however, Pelle does not offer burn care.

“This is not to be confused with a burn ward. We have no intention of offering that,” Holmes said. “The nearest burn ward will still be in Columbus.”

But when one thinks of emergency care, dermatology is not necessarily the first line of medicine to come to mind.

“But skin care is essential!” Pelle said vehemently. “The appearance of ones skin, be it on the face or on the rear, affects our daily lives. It affects people’s perception of us. I bet when people talk to you, they stare at your cheek scar. Don’t you want them to look you in the eye?”

Pelle received her bachelors degree from Wright State University and went on to earn her doctorate from Miami University.

Pelle explained why she was drawn to dermatology.

“Good skin ran in my family,” Pelle said. “So imagine my surprise when on prom night an overbearing zit starts blooming on my forehead.”

Pelle went silent, caressing her forehead, as she recalled the trama.

“I didn’t have bangs to hide the thing, so what could I do? I skipped my only chance to dance with Marcus Baush because of a skin condition. I won’t let that happen to another girl,” she said.

The Fairfield Medical Center, Mount Carmel emergency facility is expected to be open by fall 2009.

Worthington Teen Misses Cut, Cuts Loose

By: FERDINAND MONTGOMERY

WORTHINGTON – The chirps and squeals of sneakers pivoting on the hardwood court filled the gym at Thomas Worthington High School as the boy’s varsity basketball team did defensive drills during a practice.

Jared Stover, however, isn’t in the court with his friends. In fact, he isn’t on the bench, or in the stands, or even at school at all.

“Fuck him, man,” said Stover about Gary Wilson, varsity boys basketball coach at Thomas Worthington.

Stover didn’t make the cut and, as a junior, he said the writing could be on the wall for scholastic sports career.

“I made it past first and second cuts,” said Stover. “And then I don’t even make JV? I’m better than at least three kids on the team, maybe four.”

Stover said he suspects the coach’s aversion to “playground ball” may have played too big a role in his decision.

“I don’t get it, you know?” said Stover. “It’s like he just doesn’t like me or something. My style is street ball, dude. Playground ball.”

As a sophomore Stover volunteered as a student trainer after he didn’t make the team.

“That was totally embarrassing, dude,” said Stover, who added that the experience made him feel like a “tool”. “I was like one of those retarded kids who tags along with the team.

“I was like fucking Radio or something.”

Wilson refused to comment for the story, but Kevin Ross, the team’s starting point guard, admitted he thought Stover had a shot.

“At JV,” said Ross. “Yeah, I thought Stover might make JV.”

Stover said he has no plans to volunteer with the team this time around. In fact, he said he plans to start focusing on other extra-curricular activities.

“Susan Foley’s parents are out of town this weekend,” said Stover, adding that Foley is expected to throw a huge party the same night as the opening game for the basketball team. “She’s so hot too, man.”

Stover said his plans, though he admitted he has yet to receive an official invite to the party, are to have a friend’s older brother buy him beer and that he was going to get “fucked up” at Foley’s party instead of attending the game.

“I have chemistry with her and we’ve talked a couple times,” said Stover. “We were lab partners once, so it should be cool.”

Long term, Stover said he doesn’t think his playing days are completely over.

“I might play some intramurals or something,” said Stover. “That doesn’t start for a few weeks and me and a couple guys were talking about getting stoned and playing.”

Stover added that, even intoxicated, he is confident the competition in intramurals won’t pose much of a challenge. 

“Championship,” said Stover. “Look, all I’m saying is, even high, we’ll ball on everybody, dude, everybody.”

Unemployed bankers to sell classic lemonade

Clam photo by Margo McBethThe lemonade stand of John Bartholemew and Josiah Hunter is a work in progress. Their funds ran out before purchasing lemonade mix.

By: BERNERD CORRAL

PICKERINGTON–The dreadful impact of a faltering economy has been felt by everyone; one group of Pickerington residents, however, have reacted to the downturn, and their job loss, with an innovative twist on a childhood moneymaker.

John Bartholemew and Josiah Hunter are in the process of opening their own business: a lemonade stand.

Bartholemew and Hunter, not only neighbors on Magnolia Way in Pickerington, but also coworkers at the Chase Bank, lost their executive positions with the national bank when times got tough.

“My friends always called me ‘Big Spenda’ because I couldn’t help but spend the big bucks I pulled in at Chase,” Hunter said. “Unfortunately, this meant I had no savings to fall back on when I got the axe. I had to come up with a new job, and quick.”

Bartholemew found himself in a similar predicament.

“I have four kids and house wife,” he said. “And their ain’t no way I’ll be using food stamps, ya dig?”

When their job hunts turned up no quick leads, the Magnolia Way residents knew they had to create jobs for themselves.

“We thought, what is a business that maybe already exists, but hasn’t been brought to its fullest potential?” Hunter said.

And that is when the entrepreneurs came across a child’s lemonade stand with a line of adults and children stretched down the block.

“We were like, ‘if a kid can do it, we can do it better,’ ” Bartholemew said.

Bartholemew and Hunter wanted to pursue a more mature look than the folding table and poster board look they saw down the block, however. The duo used funds from their unemployment checks to buy the materials and labor to build a traditional-looking stand.

Bartholemew explained, “We wanted to prey on consumers’ desire for, what do you call it, old stuff?” 

“Nostalgia,” Hunter said, finishing his partner’s sentence.

So an old-fashioned wooden lemonade stand with painted wooden sign reading simply “Lemonade $5″

“We kind of blew all our unemployment dough on the supplies and labor to build the stand,” Bartholemew said. “My wife said we should have built it ourselves. What does she think we are, engineers? I ain’t getting paint on my hands.”

The partners now find themselves in a financial prediciment, leading to the high anticipated cost of a refreshing drink.

“We had to make an executive decision when painting the sign how much the lemonade would cost,” Hunter said. “We decided the only way to get us back on our feet would be $5.”

Susie Henderson, the girl whose lemonade stand inspired the businessmen, said she wishes them well, but she won’t be raising her price.

“My mom says I’m not allowed to sell my lemonade for more than 25 cents,” the 7-year-old said. “I might start selling pink lemonade if they steal my business, though.”

Hunter and Bartholemew have yet to consider the possibility of “exotic” lemonade flavors.

“Right now we don’t have the money to buy the lemonade powder packets,” Hunter said. “Our unemployment checks ran out last week.”

Bartholemew said they might seek a small business loan from Chase.

“It’s the least thsoe bitches can do after firing our asses,” he said.

Bartholemew’s wife, Camilla, said she hopes they make money.

“I’m glad he’s being productive, but I don’t think they took the smartest path,” she said.

Hunter and Bartholemew went before Pickerington City Council Monday, Nov. 17, to request a rezoning to allow for the retail stand in Hunter’s front yard. Council members told the men they would have to submit the request to the board of zoning appeals, which is set to meet Nov. 24.

When interviewed, Councilman Jim Trevias said he doubts the variance will be approved.

“You can’t just build a permanent business fixture on a piece of property zoned residential,” he said. “They may allow that sort of shit in Upper Arlington, but in Pickerington we like to keep things classy.”

 

Deadly Threat Discovered Inside Fortune Cookie

By: LIMA BEEN

COLUMBUS–Columbus police are investigating a threatening message found in a fortune cookie at a North Columbus Chinese restaurant Thursday, Nov. 13.

The target of the threat, a 26-year-old man, told police he had just finished eating the General Tso’s lunch special when he discovered the note inside a cookie delivered to his table, where he was dining alone.

 

“I was shocked when I cracked open the cookie,” said the victim, adding that he’s dined at the restaurant many times before without incident.

 

“I was so upset by the note, I couldn’t even eat dessert.”

 

The Clam does not name the victims of crimes.

 

The note, the contents of which has not been released, said the man would be stricken with a life-threatening illness unless he took certain steps, police said.

 

“The demands were very specific and personal to the victim,” said Detective John Dimas, who has been assigned to the case.

 

“We never advocate negotiating with criminals, so we’re working with the victim to determine the appropriate course of action for him to take.”

 

The owner of the restaurant, at work in the kitchen when the note was found, said he has no idea how the perpetrator slipped the sinister snack onto the plastic tray that held the victim’s bill.

 

“Only my relatives work here, and we’re all very nice people,” said the owner, who asked not to be named so his restaurant couldn’t be identified.

 

“I’d never tell one of my customers he’ll get cancer. That’s not good business. Unless it told him the truth — that the vegetables we cook with, especially carrots, have lots of antioxidants in them. Those do fight cancer.”

 

Police have processed the note as evidence, Dimas said, and they’re hoping to find a stray fingerprint that may lead them to its author.

 

The cookie itself, however, is no where to be found.

 

“By the time our (Crime Scene Investigators) got there, only a few crumbs were left,” Dimas said. “The victim said he didn’t eat it, so we’re not sure what happened to it.”

 

A police detail has been assigned to monitor the note’s recipient until officials are certain he’s no longer in danger, Dimas said.

 

“I’m really bummed about it,” the victim said. “I had a date tonight and now I’ve got this cop following me wherever I go.

 

“I don’t even understand how whoever-it-is could even give me cancer – even if I don’t do what he tells me.  It’s not contagious, right?”

 

Just to be safe, though, he hopes the police will let him order in some Chinese food while he’s under surveillance, he said.

Bexley Police fleet will fly

By: PATTIE MAYONNAISE

BEXLEY–The Bexley Police Department will replace three of its fleet cars with Aston Martin luxury sports vehicles, adding an air of power, beauty and soul.

The three newly purchased two-door 2008 Aston Martin DBS cars will replace the department’s 2004 Ford Crown Victoria patrol cars for a total cost of $801,000, or roughly three-fourths of the department’s $1 million budget.

“Go big or go home,” said Chief of Police Dudley Sturmore. “It ain’t about cost. It’s about respect.”

The price tag on the 6.0-liter, V-12, 510 horsepower engines was $795,000 coupled with an added shipping cost of $3,850 per vehicle.

“We wanted to do this right, so we went oversees to buy the cars,” said Sturmore. The vehicles were purchased from an Aston Martin dealership in Copenhagen, Denmark and will be shipped to the United States on the Queen Elizabeth II as “accompanied baggage.”

Aston Martin Denmark of Bryggervangen senior salesman Altfrit Adriaensz said, “It (Aston Martin) is a name that needs little introduction. It has always stood for fine, civilized, high performance sports cars designed and produced by skilled craftsman, but I don’t think these luxury cars are very well made for a police task force to use. They’re very compact inside–fit for two, really. There’s no back seat.”

To that end, Sergeant Whitey Lockhart said, “We don’t need a lot of room–just enough for radios, a computer terminal, police equipment, a cage and a space in the back for a prisoner.”

Lockhart said the force will likely benefit from the flash and sophistication of the make and model.

“Well, we all know who will win out in a high speed chase, and these assholes will probably just jump in the car when we cuff them. I mean, if you’re gonna go out, wouldn’t you wanna go out in style?”

Deputy John Alexander said, “We’re going to look so fly rollin’ on these dubs. My ex-girlfriend will probably want to get back with me, but I can’t think of a better time to be single and a cop, seriously.”

The decision to purchase the luxury cars was approved unanimously by city council members Tuesday, Nov. 12. City Council President Frank Maxter said he voted for the purchase because of the department’s continued dedication to the city.

“Why not? I think the business of protecting citizens is important and should be rewarded. These guys risk their lives day in and day out for public safety. They deserve a new station and new cars to boot.”

Maxter declined to comment on the state of the police department’s budget.

Verizon to Expand to Markum’s Backyard

By: FERDINAND MONTGOMERY

UPPER ARLINGTON – Harry Markum will soon have all the convenience of a Verizon Wireless store right in his backyard.

In a surprise move at a Monday, Nov. 10 meeting Upper Arlington City Council President Dewey Johnson announced that he was going to rezone, by emergency vote, half of Markum’s backyard in order to install a Verizon kiosk.

“(Markum) has been instrumental in keeping unnecessary rezonings from taking over our community,” said Johnson. “Over and over and over again.”

Johnson proposed that City Council approve an emergency rezoning of .15 acres of Markum’s .4 acre backyard.

“I was thinking of the northwest corner,” said Johnson. “Near the shed.”

Markum, 53, who has been involved in a number of referendums by residents to stop rezoning in the city over the last five years, said the move was a surprise to him.

“What the fuck is going on?” said Markum, adding that he was pretty sure city council was not allowed to to have single-reading-spot-rezonings proposed and approved during the course of a single meeting.

Markum has been known to admonish city council in the press.

“Those greedy assholes have no idea what they are doing,” Markum previously told The Clam. “They’re just trying to rezone everything to line their own pockets.”

Johnson; however, said Markum’s past remarks had no bearing on his decision.

“Nah,” said Johnson. “My son has a part time job at Verizon and he was saying the other day that he wishes he could work closer to home.

“This is just about three blocks away.

“That’s pretty close.”

Johnson announced the proposed rezoning at approximately 8:15 p.m., shortly after the meeting reached the ‘other business’ portion of the agenda.

Council approved the proposal 4 – 3 at 8:20 p.m.

Terry Baker, 27, a district manager for Verizon Wireless stores in the northwest Columbus area, said the company is excited about another opportunity to expand.

“Having the opportunity to tap into a suburban market like that, in the heart of a suburb, you can’t beat that location,” said Baker.

Baker said he was surprised when he got a call from City of Upper Arlington Planning Officer Charlie Porter telling him of the rezoning, but added, “It’s pretty cool.”

Baker said he had no idea exactly when a kiosk could be installed, but that it could happen pretty fast.

“With the rezoning out of the way like that,” said Baker. “I think they can build those things in like a month.”

Baker said that construction could begin as early as December.

“That’s just a wild guess,” said Baker. “But it would be nice to get it open by Christmas.”

Markum said he was “fucking upset” about the decision.

“I’m going to fight this,” said Markum. “A referendum. I’m going to file a referendum. Tomorrow. Then I’m going to get (Johnson) kicked off council.”

Markum said he was “abso-fucking-lutely” positive this was personal.

“I’m going to kick his ass,” said Markum. “He doesn’t live far. I’m going to go sit in his front yard and when he pulls into the driveway I’m going to pull him out of his car and punch him in his face.”

The next Upper Arlington City Council meeting will be held Monday, Nov. 17 at 7 p.m. at City Hall.